"It was you and me against the world"

I'm not sure what to talk about but I felt like blogging, and I don't have this set up for nothing sooo yeah. :]

I recently lost a friend; well, I guess he wasn't really a friend if he's willing to lose it that fast. I just don't understand the concept of being someone's friend and be willing to just ditch it so fast...especially over something so trivial. He deleted me from facebook. I find it funny how the basis of a friendship these days comes down to the simplicity of deleting someone from a social networking site. We're not friends on FB anymore, therefore, we're no longer friends.

The more I live, the more I love, the more I realize I don't care about your reputation or if my shoes match my clothes; I just want to live happily with success and friends. Is there really a point to going through life pushing to be like others or make sure others like you? I guess not, although it happens quite often. I used to sacrifice so much for others...but there's really no point. "This is me, I'm unchangeable." (<---the period goes INSIDE the quotations)

I'm kinda tired from a party last night.

Blog more later :]

love>?

I tend to have a weird viewpoint on relationships.  Maybe I'm afraid of commitment, or maybe, I'm just afraid.  Who knows? I love the feeling of being loved, and often times I attribute my over-compensation of searching for love to the lack of love I've received from my father.  I seem to fall into this strange pattern of only falling head-over-heals for the ones that I know I'll never have. As soon as I like someone, who in tern likes me, I lose that feeling.  I'm not sure why?  I'm afraid of being hurt, yes, because it's happened one time too much, but I'm also terrified of hurting others.. simply because I know how it feels.

I finally met someone, who, I know I can relate to in so many more ways than one. I know this person would sit and talk to me forever about anything I want to talk about--even if there's a lack of understanding or knowledge on their part. 

I often wonder, (and if you know me, you already know this) if I'll remain single forever. 

I miss love, but I hate it, too. I'm always in this constant battle with myself.  I kind of want to just focus on myself, because focusing on others is too much work.

Yet at the same time, I want to have someone to focus on. To compensate for my own issues that I don't want to pay attention to.

who knows.

I'm pissed, and this is SICK.

Look, Facebook and MySpace are great social networking sites for lost friends to get back in touch, keep up with distant relatives, all that good stuff. It's also good for meeting people of the same interest; particularly when you're going through an illness or disability that you can share with someone.

I have probably 3 Amputees a day on MySpace and Facebook who add me, and I have no problem with it; I like meeting new people, I like offering advice and I like receiving it, as well. But more and more, lately, I have been getting requests from people who pretend to be amputees. Yeah, it's a real illness; people who cannot stand the concept of 4 limbs, and crave amputation-- whether by forced injury, or self-destruction. Also, people who just have fetishes with amputees. It's sick. I can always tell the fakers, the wanna-be's and the people who have fetish's. They're easy to spot, too.

Here's what to look for: 

-Generally they'll only have one picture up- a generic one; they're default picture and generally they DON'T have a leg on in the picture. Also, when you talk to them, they mention how they'd rather not wear their leg because it "gets in the way". <----- BIG GIVE AWAY.. the limb "gets in the way"--(read above).

-If and when you ask for more pics, they'll either give you pictures that look very old and/or distorted, which by the way they're never wearing a leg-- or they'll conclude some vague answer like "oh, I'm not very photogenic".

-Also, They tend you ask you tons of questions regarding your amputation, but give little info about themselves. When you ask, they're vague and give general answers. I've come to find the most popular answer of how they "lost their leg" is cancer at a young age.

-If you do finally get them to open up, they never know a lot...strangly.. read this, it's from a real conversation with someone I caught: 

Me: "tell me more about your story/ leg/ when you lost it/ type of prosthetic you have.. im interested"

Him: "got bone cancer when i was 6

chemo didn't work so it had to be amputated"

Me: "what kinda prosthetic do you have"

Him: "you are going to find this strange but I don't know alot about that stuff - i don't really want to know.

as long as it does its job than i am happy"

--Yeah, nice try buddy.

People are so sick and I'm coming across these people more and more, daily. I'm considering deleting my sites. ugh.

Untitled.

Too weak to talk.
Thoughts stumble through my mind of how to act.
I want you to know I won’t hurt you; I want you to accept this offer of love; of acceptance.
I’ve lost many and surfaced few. You’ve hurt.
I want to wrap you in my arms and watch fireworks come out; the top of an empty parking deck; a bright-lighten night’s sky. To convince you of the possibilities. 
I want you to give me that chance that is so rarely given out. Your heart is weary of a conceptual love.
I want to claim you as my other half. 
You’re so enclosed. So intricately hidden with emotions, a tear wouldn’t shed if it wanted to.
I yearn the sound of your voice but pretend of its insignificance. 
I see beyond the surface of your painted-on smile. I feel a hurt heart. I see a broken soul that isn’t sure of it’s abilities.
All I wish for is the chance to see your heart smile.
“I don’t want mud-slinging games”.

I want you as you want to be. Not a pretentious stereotype of someone who craves the feeling of being unique; you’re unique alone. You don’t need me. My baggage. My emotions.

It’s impossible to break down the brick wall you’ve set up for me.
A beam of light isn’t seen. A harsh sound is muted. A potential love is faded.

Let it be. Let me in. 
Sometimes vulnerability is the only way to find a true love; a true friendship; a true companion. 

Fear is normal. Just don’t allow fear to become control. Don’t let go of your own instinctual truth.

A letter from a Broken Heart.

Against my better judgement I’m sending you one last letter. Maybe it’s another excuse for me to let myself believe that I really haven’t lost you, who knows. It’s sad that love can be thrown away so fast. I hope this letter may last longer, but even if it lands next to a worn-out love, at least the words will forever last in your memory; the concept; the idea.
I’m not sure what your life consists of now and, likewise, you know nothing of me these days. It never entered my mind that a time would come when I would even be writing this letter. With my naive mind I envisioned us never losing touch, love, friendship, but most of all respect for each other and ourselves. I’m not sure if you know how to respect yourself or not. Maybe you do and I’m just old news. Or maybe you have so much respect for your ‘new-found’ life, that it requires all of your emotion. Before time slips away and you never hear from me again, I want you to know the love you gave me. The times are irreplaceable. The images are stored in my mind forever, paralleled with a smile. Pure, happiness, and love was something I never believed in, and still to this day question on a reoccurring basis. But looking back at the times we shared makes me beg to differ my insecure thoughts of what love is, what happiness is, what contentment feels like--even if it is through a friendship. I want you to know I love you. When you rest your soul at night, don’t deny yourself of truth. Don’t ever deny yourself of a true bond between two people; one bond that you knew personally. I’ve learned so much about life, about love, about myself, from you. You, Kathryn Hope, gave me the gift of life. You opened up my ears, my eyes, my soul and my heart to everything I ever wanted to know in life, to experience, and I thank you for that. I told myself that I would never be someone’s “fair-weather” friend. I lied. I still can’t think of a life of existence and bliss without you in it. Maybe I’m only lying to myself when I think of it, but I’ll be here waiting. I’ll only be a phone call away. My house will always be the one you saw empty, untouched, and bare for the first time I saw it. My loyalty will always be summed up by bringing you home at 4:00am after you returned from NYC. But now, my memories are only as vivid as the paintings on my walls from the strokes of your heart. The ones you spent hours on, just to see the smile on my face. All I can do now, is grant you the wish you pled; for me to “Remember Love”

The introduction of a crazy mind.

My mind is constantly racing to find new meaning to the most simplistic concepts; no medicine can change or “fix” that. I often wonder how light plays an effect on the physical aspect of matter; take light away and have pure darkness, and is everything still there? I believe it’s only there when your eyes make contact, and when you’re not seeing it, it isn’t real. Take 10 $100 bills, and place them on a table. One of the $100 bills is fake. If you, nor anyone around you realizes that there’s a fake $100 bill on the table, than in reality you have $1,000. If you believe you have $900, then we wouldn’t be very compatible together. My perception is my reality; your perception doesn’t reach beyond the surface. I often wonder if my high expectations of my own personal thought process will leave me single for the majority of my life; I’m yet to find someone who I can connect with. A very smart person once told me he believes it’s impossible to communicate with an individual. “The concept of mutually understanding the same idea at the same time, the same way is not possible”. I tend to agree with him. I tend to not find relationships easily because I choose not to dumb myself down for others..as cocky as that sounds; if you’re worth my time you’ll deal with that statement and tackle it. My expectations run high because my heart is worn low. If we can talk for hours about the theory of relativity, or be silent for hours in a thunderstorm, cuddled on the couch watching movies--then I’ll be content with you. Sure, I have regular interests and hobbies like everyone else, but until you can deal with any of the above, you can’t deal with me. I have a tendency to come into people’s lives at the wrong time; someone is always taken. I’m not looking for love. I meet people, unplanned, fall head over heals, but just end up face-down in the dirt.